It's Thursday night and my anxiety is on another level. I have to decide to go or not go to the land of half dressed humans that could really care less about the music! As someone who's now 39 with a been there done that attitude, I just couldn't shake the anxiety. For the last 2 years I've been inducted into the Hall of Panic Attacks. I'm a raging member looking for a way out so this was my moment. I was on the brink of huge decision making crying and pacing. I took the above photo and posted to instagram thinking if I tell the universe I'm going, I'll go...It didn't work anxiety only got worse. I sent myself to bed shaking and chanting when a friend randomly writes me like he could sense the personal hell I was in. I tell him I don't think I can go because I'm just not strong enough. He assures me I can handle it, I should battle it. So the next morning after missing my ride I thought I was in the clear and didn't have to go when my friend writes again. Is this human connected to me somehow, wtf? He calls saying he'll drive me! I was instantly shook again and all the anxiety came flooding back. I start to pace and chant again when he shows up and puts me in the car. We drove in traffic (one of my triggers) and I was battling my anxiety the entire drive. The funniest thing is when the comment comes up, "Hey, you aren't going to war, you're going to Coachella!" for a brief moment I actually laugh. It's so fucking true! Why am I tripping so hard?
I've now arrived to the house I'll be staying at with my best bud who just happens to be Paris Hilton. This woman and I have been best friends since 1998. She knows me better than anyone and I love her to the moon and back. We are the kind of friends that have been in many life times together. She's the one asking me to come out because she knows how bad I have to break this and move on with life. Anyway, as I'm settling in, I cave and say I can't go into Coachella this lit up so I ask to skip it and meet her after the festival. I think she sees the pain in my face and smiles and says "Okay, no problem!" I try to sleep now but because I want to sleep my mind starts to race and I can't. I'm a circle jerk of emotions and feeling so fucking lame for not being stronger but most of all being a bummer that can't hang with her best friend. Mind you I'm a photographer and every year I come to Coachella, it's to shoot. So, after some time of tossing and turning I strap my camera to me and jump in an Uber to meet her. TRAFFIC again, but this time the event is secluded away and the traffic going in is intense but but I can't turn around I'm stuck. I'm trying to breathe and survive this hell by praying and chanting again. I walk in to meet the security to take me to Paris but we can't seem to find her because she's shooting a video for the event. The people were all over and all I'm doing is trying to figure out my exit. I finally reach my beautiful, happy, go-lucky, BFF and tell her I'm sorry but I can't do this, I have to leave. She's still working so she couldn't leave nor would I want her to; this is fun for everyone but me. Now here's the issue, not only did I not take one photo to share with you but I now have to take a shuttle just to get to the main street which means I have to fight a huge crowd to get on one of the buses. Everyone was pushing and yelling so I walk to the passenger window and knock. The man opens the window and I say may I please get in the front seat, I'm having a really bad panic attack and need to get out of here. He so kindly moves everything off the seat and says yes please get in. Now everyone on the bus is in party mode and talking all kinds of crazy stuff and guy starts to make fun of me and telling me to take a chill pill or molly or a valium. A girl starts to shout 'fuck you' leave her alone. (Bless that woman!) We are finally moving after 20 mins of waiting for people to load and the bus infront of us to move. We are now on the main street where I now have to catch an uber. I'm standing alone in the middle of no where. I hate Coachella. The Uber finally comes and $100 later I'm home.
It's now the next day and holy shit I don't have anxiety, wait what? Hallelujah!! I yell to Paris that I I think I can do it today, I can go and be normal. I wanted to cry tears of joy. When I come out this is what she's doing...my little butterfly. I love her!
How in the world can I not just pull it together and enjoy this awesome creature?!
=) Needless to say the second night was so much damn fun and I'm soon happy I pushed through and forced myself to go to Coachella! I cried, I danced, I conquered. I'm really proud of myself but also really happy I had good people in my life to get me there! I love you guys so much!